In the previous blog post, we discussed how and why friendships are unnecessary, but what makes a good friend? In this blog post, we will explore this topic without going into too much detail. Disclaimer: Some people are better at making friends, some people are better at maintaining friends, and some people are better at both. The only thing we can do, as people, is to change our behaviour in order to create and maintain healthy friendships.
Don't take anything personally.
I thought I would mention the above right away, because it can also be applied to some of what is it come in this blog post. This can also be applied to friendship. Let us redefine what friendship means. I am sure you have our definitions, but here is mine from my previous blog post:
friendship is the emotional and mutual connection between two parties, based on loyalty, trust, and resourcefulness.
If you have not read my previous blog post, I highly recommend reading it before continuing with this blog post - How and Why Friends Are Unnecessary.
What are the three traits that I mentioned? Loyalty, trust, and resourcefulness. To me, loyalty is the most admirable trait of all time, not only within the context of friendship. Why is it important for friends to share this trait? Let us analyse the definition of loyalty: “the quality of being loyal”. That does not help a lot, so what does loyal mean? Loyal is an adjective - it means giving someone or showing someone constant allegiance/support (Oxford Dictionary, 2020). Showing each other, as friends, support is vital. It acts as a motivating factor for most people. If a friend does something which you disapprove of, having a conversation about it is more empathetic than discarding their feelings entirely. Also, keep in mind, you will never meet a person that is identical to you, in terms of your beliefs, and opinions. This, in itself, is one of the beauties of life! Another thing to keep in mind is that you should also be reasonable; you cannot and should not accept everything, especially if something goes against your own core/fundamental values. Everything within moderation, and within reason.
The second trait I mentioned is trust. There has to be trust between two people, to begin a deeper level of friendship, or at least one of substance. In regard to trustworthiness, it can be broken down into certain components: honesty, and dependability. These two components are imperative to a healthy friendship. To express honesty, is to have the ability to be open and transparent about yourself. For me, I think friends should be able to talk about their emotions/feelings openly. This ties in with the other component, which is dependability. As friends, you should be able to depend on each other. This is a large topic, but we will not discuss it completely here. I want to emphasise that keeping your word is hugely a big part of this. Over the years of my life, I have experienced many times in which, people, including friends, will say they will do something, but not do it. This is a form of lying, and I completely disapprove of it. If you are having trouble with this, it may be better to stay silent, and not say anything at all.
What else is there to dependability? We want, and need, friends who will never talk bad about us behind our backs. Friends are people who will stand up for us, and they have our backs. Gossiping about a friend, letting others criticise a friend, or not supporting a friend - these are all the opposite things of what a good friend would do. These kinds of friendships are incredibly superficial, and in my humble opinion, are meaningless. The last aspect of trust I would like to briefly discuss, is the fact that in order for someone to develop a trust in you, you need to have the ability to trust them as well. Trust is two-way, and never one-way. Although the latter is possible, I find those kinds of relationships to never end well.
The last trait I mentioned was resourcefulness. This, again, is a very large topic, and can contain many components. Firstly, what do I mean by resourcefulness? Resourcefulness is being able to give advice, help, and support to someone. This can come in many forms; for example, emotional/moral support, financial support, and general advice. What are some components? To me, the primary component is empathy. To be empathetic is very challenging, and not easy at all. This will take a lot of patience and time to develop. Another component is being able to listen effectively. Are you a good listener? Do you talk a lot? When you are interacting with a friend, be conscious of how you are interacting with them. Friends should make utmost effort to make each other comfortable. Show that you care for one another - this can be extended to anyone you meet, and should not only be confined within the scope of friendship only.
How do you show someone, especially a friend, that you care about them? Inquire about their well-being, inquire about their interests, and inquire about the well-being of the people that are important to them, such as family. I am not saying we should have the same interests as our friends, but we should be mindful, at least. We can develop interests in anything, and everything - I strongly believe this. A question I am often asked: “how often?", and the answer to this is quite simple: “as often as you can”. Ideally, friends should communicate on a daily basis. Depending on availability, and schedule, this may not always be possible, so figure out what works best for the both of you. You may also want to consider your mental health and the type of person you are; some interactions can be emotionally draining, and that is okay. This is also applicable to your friends, so be conscious of your own friends.
I hope I have given a small insight to my perspective of what a good friend looks like. One important thing I need to mention is that I am, by no means, a perfect friend. We all have flaws, and I have my own flaws. This blog post is written, as a reminder, to myself, and for anyone who needs it. Let us all keep on continuing to develop, and improve our character, so that we may become great friends to people who deserve them. If you made it this far, I would like to thank you for taking the time out of your day/night to read what I have written.